It's the time to Disco

Q: What happens when we step away?

Disco Dialogues is a newsletter and interview series where Kinnari and Mitali engage in deliberate dialogue aimed to spark inner growth. Our posts start with a question to encourage reflection on topics ranging from creativity, courage and curiosity to self-care and relationships. The hope is that by sharing the dialogues that we have with ourselves and with each other, we can start meaningful conversations within our community.

*The song that inspired the title

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Kinnari’s Dialogue

It has been about four months since we put our last post out into the world. Life happens but when you lose momentum on a project, it gets harder and harder to get back to it as more time passes. At first I felt guilty that we weren't writing, then I worried about not getting back to it. Soon after I really missed the creative practice of writing and the dialogues that arose from publishing a post. Eventually though, as expected, I filled up the time I used to protect for Disco Dialogues with mundane, energy-zapping everyday tasks for the family and kids 

But here we are, emerging from our hiatus at long last. Welcome to those of you that are new to this space. Mitali and I started writing Disco Dialogues because we wanted to engage in something creative, share our dialogues with the world and see if we could bring together like-minded people that cared about personal growth as much as we did. You can read about the start of our journey here or check out some of our popular posts - 

• Imprisoned by the familiar

• A time for self-ish-care

• Letting go to grow 

Vedanta Retreat Center in Olema, California

At the beginning of May I returned to work after being out on maternity leave since last August. Life has been non-stop and hectic since the arrival of our second daughter last year. The week before I was due back at work I chose to go on a solo retreat. I had been feeling anxious about returning to work and losing the little time that I had for myself so I decided to take three days away from the family. For those three days I was able to shut the world out and go inwards. Turning off my phone and not talking for 72 hours was hard but made a world of difference. I spent the time meditating, reading, journaling, and going for walks. (nb. For those of you in California that are looking to do a self-directed personal retreat to expand on your spiritual practice, the Vedanta center in Olema offers a basic and functional space with beautiful surroundings at no cost.)

A little solitude away from the chaos of the world worked wonders for me. I was able to reconnect with my inner self, and a state of calm and ease replaced the anxiety I was feeling. How long could I maintain this state of mind? Would I lose it when I was back in my home, stretched thin between the demands of a baby and preschooler? Would I be able to maintain this place of neutrality when I returned to work amidst rolling layoffs and the impact that has on employee morale?  The answer came through one of my readings on my last night there - 

Q:   How is it that here my mind is engaged in high topics and finds dwelling on them easy and pleasant. When I return home I find myself forgetting all I have learnt here, worrying and fretting, unable to remember my real nature even for a moment. What may be the cause?

M:  It is your childishness you are returning to. You are not fully grown up; there are levels left undeveloped because unattended. Just give full attention to what in you is crude and primitive, unreasonable and unkind, altogether childish, and you will ripen. It is the maturity of heart and mind that is essential. It comes effortlessly when the main obstacle is removed -- inattention, unawareness. In awareness you grow.

- I AM That, Sri Nisargdatta Maharaj

This is so accurate. It's easy to point fingers when I'm not feeling peaceful - usually I am quick to blame those that I am closest to for not doing x or y, or saying z ;). It is only with attention and awareness that I am able to catch that “mental spin”. It is a daily practice to watch my thoughts, acknowledge my emotions, and either decide to let things go or identify what action needs to be taken. Some days, often when I’m tired or overwhelmed, I forget to do this practice. But on the days that I am able to be present, observing my thoughts, life feels simple, smooth and rich. 

Mitali’s Dialogue

A month ago I started to emerge from my self-induced isolation - a practice I adopt when going through a depressive episode. It took me a while to find my footing again…a good five months. Since March, I have tried multiple times to poke my head out but quickly retreated when life felt like it was too much and I wasn't ready. 

Instagram @yung_pueblo

While I was in this state, I barely managed to maintain my habit of physical movement but when I did, it was in isolation at home through yoga sessions on YouTube. I stopped communing with nature and stepping out of the house to indulge in my regular outdoor walks. I restricted my connection with others, preferring to stay home. I couldn't bring myself to sit still and meditate for even five minutes so I gave up on that practice. My mind was so scattered that I couldn't even engage in readings that typically energize me. I didn't have the energy or the motivation to journal, forget writing for Disco Dialogues. I was definitely not winning each day! 

Now as I start to feel like I am on more stable ground, I thought I would share some of the things I have done over the past month to maintain this newly found stability. I am pacing myself by being very deliberate about what I am spending my energy on and checking in with my body to make sure each activity is net energy positive.

1. Joy through nature

I am taking myself back to nature and finding moments of joy in observing the beauty around me. It started with me watering my house plants again and picking the first flowers for the summer from my garden. I went back to the Baylands for a solo walk after three months and paused to sit on a bench admiring the wildflowers and watching the birds dive into the water. One afternoon I drove to a secluded beach and spent a couple of hours listening to the waves crashing on the rocks, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin and observing the symmetry of birds in flight. 

2. Joy through community 

I felt the urge to watch artists perform and found some free events around town to attend. As I experienced young singer-songwriters performing at an open mic (where the organizers, performers, and audience felt like a family), I felt connected to the vulnerability they were showing. I walked away inspired by the courage they exhibited in exposing their raw unpolished creative works to an audience. Some of these events I attended solo and some became an opportunity to connect back with friends and family. One evening I found myself dancing with my partner at an open-air rock band performance and feeling a certain freedom from being in community with others who seemed to have shed their inhibitions as well. 

3. Joy through curiosity 

And I finally found myself picking up books that make me think deeply and explore my curiosities around spirituality. I am still processing these readings. I share some of them below to explain a bit about my mental space. I recommend these books if you are looking for some guidance on your own spiritual and emotional journey 

The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck

Peace Is Every Step - Thich Nhat Hanh

Total Freedom - J. Krishnamurti