Fighting the December drearies

Q: How do you find peace amidst the holiday bustle?

Mitali’s Dialogue

The first time I experienced Thanksgiving in the US was in 1995. As I walked past a padlocked Student Center on the MIT campus, I was struck by the importance of this day in America. It was the first time that I saw the campus 24-hour market closed. There were literally no food options on campus. My parents had, through some third degree connections, found me a local host family - a Bengali gentleman married to a Jewish lady - and they had invited me to join them for their Thanksgiving family festivities. As I waited to be picked up at a bus stop on Mass Ave, I felt grateful that someone had offered to open up their home to this fresh off the boat student with no family around.

I didn't grow up celebrating Thanksgiving but over the years it has taken on different forms. I have celebrated Thanksgiving with college friends on the east coast, with family on the west coast and often traveling when the kids were younger. It is always a joyful occasion to gather with the people who matter, giving our kids an opportunity to recognize the invaluable relationships in their lives.

But for the past couple of years, Thanksgiving has taken on a different significance for me. It marks the season of change. With the waning daylight, my energy starts to dip. Anxiety starts to make a reappearance as I gear up for the holiday season. I find myself succumbing to old patterns of thinking, the deep ruts in my brain that tell me - I have nothing to show for the year gone by or I once again have no certainty about my career plans for the year ahead or I don't know how to handle the energy in my household over the winter vacation.

“The past is a whirlpool. If you let it dominate your present moment, it will suck you in. Time is just an illusion. What you need is to live this very moment. That is all that matters.”

- Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love

This year I am trying to circumvent these old narratives. I remind myself that the past does not predict future performance (just like the stock market) and that my Past Self is not always wiser than my Present Self. Instead I am making an effort to create new grooves in my brain by choosing to savor the present moment. Things can be different this year. I am no longer the person I was in 2022 or 2023. I have new habits and consistent routines that keep me in the present. I go for nature walks to get my daily dose of sunshine and physical activity in hopes of maintaining my mental wellbeing. I take breaks to enjoy a cup of coffee at my local coffee shop and try to slow down time. I explore new communities that give me an opportunity to engage in deep meaningful discussions.

Only time will tell if I am able to stay in the now and not let my thoughts drag me down into past narratives. For now I plan to take it one a day at a time and do the things that bring me joy.

“...In the eternal now, where all possibility exists, your celebration is already complete. Your joy is already whole. Your experience is already perfect. You are already, and have always been, an utterly complete expression of the Divine.

Tune into that frequency. Feel into that truth. And let your holidays be exactly what your highest self is calling them to be.”

- Dr Sue Morter, Finding Comfort

If you find yourself succumbing to seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a type of depression that occurs during specific seasons, usually fall or winter, here are some tips to fight it -

• Stick to a schedule. I have been getting up at 6:30am every day even on the weekends and getting myself to bed at a consistent time. I try to expose myself to light in the mornings to maintain my circadian rhythm and even got myself a light therapy lamp recently, planning preemptively for the gloomy rainy winter days.

• Create a cozy space in your home that allows you to escape for a few moments. Light a candle, start a fire, run a warm bath, curl up in a blanket.

• Move your body. It doesn't have to be “exercise” but try stretching at home, or doing a quick walk around the block or between meetings. Bonus if you can also get a dose of sunlight.

• Find small things that bring you joy. For me that is sometimes making myself a cup of tea as the light starts to fade at 3pm, or grabbing coffee at a coffee shop on my morning walk, or buying a bunch of flowers from the grocery store.

• Engage in social activities that bring you energy. I prioritize connecting one on one with friends for walks, doing small group brunches, going for author talks at bookstores and recently even tried an online weekly writing group.

A gorgeous 45-yr old bonsai thriving in spite of Mumbai’s pollution

Kinnari’s Dialogue

A couple weeks ago I flew back to India to help my mother as she was dealing with some complicated health issues. I left the two kiddos behind with my husband as I knew I'd be spending a few days at the hospital with my mom. I was sad and almost resentful about leaving them behind. "You don't know how hard it is for me to be without them" I said to both Mitali and my husband. But then on the day of my departure my mindset shifted. I suddenly found myself feeling grateful - How lucky I was to have a partner that was able and willing to take care of two young kids on his own while I tended to my mother. How privileged to have an employer that wouldn't question why I suddenly needed the time off.

A peaceful moment watching the sunrise from Lilavati hospital in Mumbai

Being in India and seeing my mom go through a tough time was not easy. But without the kids by my side needing my attention, I had all this mental space and physical energy to be able to show up for her in a way I wanted to. My parents had requested I bring the baby with me but thankfully my husband and common sense had prevailed. I could not have spent nights at the hospital or taken care of my mother’s emotional needs with a one year old in tow. In fact the journey itself (two 10+ hour flights with a seven hour layover) with a baby would have exhausted me. Traveling solo meant I was able to show up, ready to be of service. So while I felt a bit guilty for leaving the girls behind, I gave myself permission to put the role of mother on the shelf for two weeks while I leaned into the role of being a daughter.

I flew back to San Francisco on Thanksgiving day and it felt great to be reunited with my little ones after twelve days. I felt deeply grateful for both - quality time with my aging mother in India and returning to the Bay Area to a house full of love. A return from being a daughter back to a full time mother. Within a few days of taking care of the kids and the house - cooking, cleaning, changing diapers around the clock - I was physically exhausted and crawling into bed by 8.30 pm. After spending time in India where the mundane everyday tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry are all taken care of, coming back to doing it all for a family of four is a jolt to the system. "How did you manage twelve days of this?" I asked my husband. “One day at a time” he replied.

So as we approach the holiday season with schools closing and kids at home all day, I find myself being both excited and also a bit apprehensive of how tiring it may all get. I’m guessing many of us are in the same boat. It’s important to remind ourselves during these times to be self-compassionate, take mini breaks and say no when we’re not feeling up to the task.

These reminders below might be helpful not just during the holiday season but during the entire season of child-rearing and caring for aging parents :)

• Remember that kindness begins at home (in our hearts and bodies). This time with kids might be "fleeting and joyful" but is also all-consuming and exhausting. Let's be kind towards ourselves and not beat ourselves up about how we aren't doing enough - whether that's in our careers, for our children, our parents, our communities or our bodies.

• Solitude can be delicious. Take time to step away from it all. Even if it means you have to shell out extra $ for it. The time away is refreshing, you get to reconnect with yourself (or perhaps a good friend), breathe and get that mental space to reflect. It is when I take a day or a couple days away that I have the energy to think about the bigger picture.

• "No" can be a full sentence and jomo > fomo*. Be very discerning of how you spend your time. If it's not a fuck yeah, forget about it - at least for now. If it isn't going to rejuvenate you then it's okay to protect your energy and say no. (*jomo - joy of missing out, fomo - fear of missing out)

“Take internal time seriously and honor the need to reflect and connect with a deeper sense of your authenticity. Embrace the freedom of being able to recalibrate those parts of yourself that need to be brought into the present. Use this month to get a greater sense of what motivates you. It could be that you are revisited by interests from the past that have been put on a shelf or that you make a commitment to something that you really wanted but would not allow yourself to because of considerations of others or responsibilities you thought you should put first.”

- Monthly forecast for December 2024 from The Power Path’