Dialogues from the road - part 2

Q: How do you initiate change in your life?

Disco Dialogues is a newsletter and interview series where Kinnari and Mitali engage in deliberate dialogue aimed to spark inner growth. Our posts start with a question to encourage reflection on topics ranging from creativity, courage and curiosity to self-care and relationships. The hope is that by sharing the dialogues that we have with ourselves and with each other, we can start meaningful conversations within our community.

Chengmon Beach, Koh Samui, Thailand

Mitali’s Dialogue

I have been traveling for the past four weeks - visiting family in India and doing a family vacation in Thailand. When I land in a country, I often try to connect with locals to get a sense of the cultural milieu and contrast it with my current experiences in the US. This time I have found myself drawn to conversations with expats - folks that have chosen to leave their home country and start a life somewhere new. A cousin who uprooted herself from a comfortable life in India to restart her career in the UK in her mid-thirties. A high school friend who never thought he would leave NYC, chose to leave for China in 2019 after twenty plus years in the US and has now ended up in Bangkok. An American who chose to move to London after starting a family with her partner. A fellow traveler who left her home country of Thailand to explore the world and ended up settling in Australia. 

Sunrise from Doi Suthep overlooking Chiang Mai, Thailand

I was curious about their stories and their brave decisions to move countries later in life. The reasons were varied - more promising career opportunities, an urge to travel the world, a desire to be closer to family - and each one of them is happy with the choices they have made. They acknowledged the initial discomfort from making a big change but after giving themselves one to two years to settle into their new environment, all of them seem to be thriving. 

“Now where do we begin to understand ourselves? Here am I, and how am I to study myself, observe myself, see what is actually taking place inside myself? I can observe myself only in relationship because all life is relationship….I exist only in relationship to people, things, and ideas, and in studying my relationship to outward things and people, as well as to inward things, I being to understand myself…I am not an abstract entity; therefore, I have to study myself in actuality - as I am, not as I wish to be.”  

-Jiddu Krishnamurti, “Total Freedom: The Essential Krishnamurti” 

These conversations stirred emotions in me and made me pause to reflect on what I was experiencing. It brought to the surface something that has been on the back of my mind for the past few years. How do mid-career adults who are in their thirties and forties find the courage to pack up bags and move to a brand new place and start anew?

“Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard.”

— Jeremy Goldberg

Growing up I saw this first hand in my family. My dad, at the age of forty-three, decided to leave a comfortable career as a doctor in the UK and moved our family to a small town in India so that I could grow up around extended family and learn about my Indian heritage. And then he did it again - at the age of forty-eight - moving our family to Oman and starting afresh, forming new friendships and creating community, so that I could have access to a better education system.

Each of those moves to new countries were defining moments in my childhood. I built character by being thrust into new situations where I had to challenge myself to assimilate into a new culture and learn how to make new friends. Now as I near the end of my forties and look at the life of my two kids who have spent their entire lives to date in the Bay Area, I wonder how to give them the same opportunities - to be uncomfortable, to be resilient, to build self confidence. 

Exploring Talad Noi in Bangkok, Thailand

As I reflected on my conversations with these expats, I realized that I was drawn into these dialogues more for myself than for my kids. I am a risk taker but I feel like I have been playing it safe for the past five years. After quitting Google in 2019, have I challenged myself enough by putting myself in new situations? I feel the pull of adventure. The desire to take on a new challenge and start anew. I feel drawn to step into the unknown and rely on my problem solving skills to figure out a path for myself and my family. I want to rekindle the skill of making new friends. I want to show my kids that I am not afraid of taking on new challenges and prove to myself that the skills I learnt early in life have not completely atrophied. 

And yes the fears seem real. I spent an afternoon having a hypothetical conversation with my partner about moving to a new country and could feel the excitement from the opportunity. But a few nights later I found myself unable to sleep. Would we be able to make new friends at this late stage in life? Would we be at a disadvantage moving without jobs and the inbuilt security from a corporate network? Are the schools going to be as good and diverse as the ones my kids go to in California? Can my special needs child find the support he needs as he gets closer to adulthood?

So for now, I am just bringing awareness to all the emotions I am feeling. I am curious about each one - facing it, acknowledging it, questioning it. Not running away from an emotion, or judging it or disagreeing with it - even when it makes me feel uncomfortable. Each one tells me something new. I am learning again by watching and listening and seeing and doing. And hoping that I find the clarity and courage to explore. I know that once I am back in my home, surrounded by family and friends, living a comfortable, full life, the conversations from the road might turn into a distant longing again.