Don’t just do something, sit there
Q: How do you get comfortable with non-action?
Kinnari’s Dialogue
Hello again. It's been a while. This is our first post of 2024. We've both been away from this space for a while. In the first week of January, I left for a six week trip to India with my kids. I wouldn’t normally have chosen to take a trip to the other side of the world with an infant but I wanted to do it for my mom. Her health has declined over the last several years and her doctors have advised against long-haul flights. The only way for her to meet the baby was for us to fly there. I thought doing a 17.5 hour flight solo with two kids - a 5 year old and a 4 month old was going to be tough. But that was a cakewalk compared to the ensuing six weeks.
It turned out to be the most intense trip of my life. I was exhausted most of the time - mentally, physically and emotionally. My mental space was consumed by the emotional tantrums of a 5 year old who had to learn to share her mother with a baby sister in the absence of her dad and my ailing mother facing life threatening comorbidities and declining mental health. It was hard but at some point I had to make peace with not having space in my head for myself. My physical health continued to take a hit from the baby waking up every few hours at night. Thanks to conversations and a few laughs shared with friends that allowed me to blow off some steam and having help at my parents house for the baby, I made it through the six weeks. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the time or energy to write.
We’ve been back from India for about two weeks. I’ve spent a majority of that time getting my kids through jetlag, unpacking, resettling into our schedules and looking for childcare for the little one. Amidst this, getting a pocket of time for myself has been rare but I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Last Sunday while my husband was with the baby and my friend took little A to a show I got four uninterrupted hours to myself. How could I best use the time at hand? My friend had already booked a massage for me after seeing how tired I was so I had two hours in her empty house before heading to the appointment. Should I spend the time reading? writing? sleeping? meditating? going for a walk? I decided to just sit and meditate. During my meditation, I felt some tears flow and felt a silent scream being released. Unsurprisingly, I needed to be away from my house, from the baby and from the chores to finally decompress from my trip.
This week as the baby hit her six month milestone, I felt the desire to do more. To make moves, take action towards things I've been wanting for myself for a while. However, I am still tired and find myself in a state of non-action. Given my desire to move forward, I was puzzled by this until I came across these words by Thich Nhat Hanh. If you are similarly in the non-action space for whatever reason and being hard on yourself for not taking action these words might help you make sense of it.
"But if the quality of your being is poor - if you don't have enough peace, understanding, and equanimity, if you still have a lot of anger and worries - then your actions will also be poor. Your actions should be based on the foundation of a high quality of being. Being is non-action, so the quality of action depends on the quality of non-action. Non-action is already something. There are people who don't seem to do very much, but their presence is crucial for the well-being of the world. You may know people like this, who are steady, not always busy doing things, not making a lot of money, or being engaged in a lot of projects, but who are very important to you; the quality of their presence makes them truly available. They are contributing non-action, the high quality of their presence. To be in the here and the now -- solid and fully alive -- is a very positive contribution to our collective situation.”
- How to Sit, Thich Nhat Hanh
Mitali’s Dialogue
The beginning of the year is typically when I crash. With holidays and vacations consuming my energy in December, by January my body needs a break and I tend to go into hibernation. This year was no different - I could sense the need for rest rising in me as we hit the new year. We came back from a family trip to Disneyland and Los Angeles and I recognized the feeling that started to take over me - apathy in performing simple tasks or planning ahead and self doubt in my decisions. I held compassion for myself knowing that this was a lesson I had learnt last year - listen to your body. So I slowed things down and backed out of engagements and activities that were not critical.
However as the weeks in January stretched out, I couldn't seem to shake off the lethargy I was feeling. I found myself wandering from room to room trying to find new spots that could help bring me some energy. I tried to hide the ennui I was feeling by tackling my habits. One week I committed to meditation every day. Another week I vowed to move my body four times. But it didn't change things - expecting miracles from short term fixes never does.
As time passed, I noticed the judging voice start to creep in. Was I trying hard enough? Did I want things to change? I labeled my relaxing activities as indulgent. I forgot to be grateful for having the time to watch TV shows or listen to audiobooks. When I did the tasks expected of me as a parent, I didn't give myself credit for it even though my body felt spent from the exertion. I had to remind myself to take the cues from my body and be kinder to myself.
Sitting in this place of inaction, I became a silent observer to the activity happening within my friends’ lives through various group chats. I wondered how they were managing to keep it all together between work and family and social lives. How does one find the energy to go through back to back meetings during the week? And then take kids skiing on the weekend? And plan a birthday party? And make decisions on family summer trips? Once upon a time I was capable of doing all of that too. Now was not the time to compare myself to others. I had to accept that this is just where I was at this moment.
I was thankful for the messages I received from friends as they noticed my withdrawal. Even as I write this, I haven't found the energy to engage with them. Acknowledging the capacity I have right now requires making choices on where my energy is spent. Those who know me, know the pattern and know that when I am ready, I will connect again.
Conserving my energy during times when my mental health is fragile is critical. I take the time to remind myself of what I have done each day and check in with my body. At this moment it means taking each day as it comes and not planning more than a day or two ahead. I hold on to the knowledge that everything passes and sometimes all it takes is time and kindness.